I'm keeping a diary now, i have decided l'm going to write all my doings and my feelings and my aims down for me to read over and remember. I'm enjoying reading my own hand writing and reading again how I have fled. Like an insight into a past self... I wish to in the new year, blog more and keep a scrap book and a diary and take photos. I wish to make people happy and do the right things. I want to make myself and other proud of me but also of themselves.
Happy New Year -
Ta ta
Hannah x
I walked down a small alley, my long dress dragging in the snow, a present from my carers, those whom had taken me to their home in London. The walls of the alley where damp and dark, aligned with women pressing themselves against the walls wearing red garters and braziers. I asked myself why I was taking this route, in an unknown, at a definite inappropriate time of the night. Robin had told me that it was a quicker way to the centre of town, cutting half of forty minutes from my journey to the rescue centre, I was feeling unsure and unsafe; Though Robin had said this quote was quicker, she had not mentioned the positioning of a brothel within. I thought about Christopher waiting for me, his top hat upon his head, and cane in hand. My journey was an impolite one, I thought about how I could retell this small part of my journey to Christopher. Upon walking, the woman that lined the alley doused in seduction. I walked faster, I needed to reach Christopher, my hand started to shake with excitement but also with fear. i tried not to make it obvious that I was hurrying; I did not want to draw attention to myself. The underskirt of my dress became heavy with the damp of the newly fallen snow. I glanced behind me, Men wearing trench coats and top hats started to gather along the alley that I had passed alongside the late night ladies. I saw the end of the alley nearing, the light of the town and the misty sound of drunks became that of relief. I gripped hold of my dress, lifting it off of the snow to avoid stains from the town’s dark and dirty roads. A wanted to see Christopher waiting for me; I felt overwhelming excitement as I approached the end of the alley. I left behind the sound of screaming and giggling woman, and men’s whistles and groans.
Ta ta
Doubt - "we accept the love we think we deserve" quoted from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things changes, people change and there is nothing anyone can do about it- sometimes they change for the good, sometimes bad and some change where the lasting effect is ignored and not seen, harming someone silently and ignorantly.
Worry - putting stress on yourself worrying about things, I have been worrying a lot recently. And worrying has a huge effect on the body, the mind, attitudes and almost everything even down to hygiene routines sometimes. Finance can be a worry for everybody and anybody, we all panic- is it through spending? Is it just that you have misplaced some cash? Eat a good breakfast, do all the can and chill. Worrying isn't something that will go away, best thing to do is talk about it with someone you trust, a cup of tea- it'll make you feel physically better. After all that searching, and no cash in sight- pop the kettle on and understand that there is no more you can do and hope an wish it will make its way back to you. Worry is a steaming cup of tea, taking a sip the boiling liquid burns your tongue- don't let that burn stop you drinking the rest.
Optimism - do any of us actually know what this means, s it us making plans for what we are going to accomplish or is it us defeating any hold backs and worries and achieving our aim. I feel better when I write things down, I like to see progress and steps, I do this to identify my own progress to allow myself to feel proud and getting closer and closer to that aim at the end of the tunnel, the things you desire so so much that the thought of not reaching it horrifies you. Go for it, you can only do it for yourself; and if you want something that much, you'll only make yourself proud.
Relax - "I tried carrying the weight of the world but I only have two hands" Avicii lyrics... We all need someone to make us feel worthy, loved, helpful, to give us confidence and the strength to follow any of our dreams. Do not waste time with friends that's how you nothing, those friends that use you, the friends that won't help you, listen to you, don't waste your time on keeping them happy because they wouldn't do the same for you. Those special bonds that you know are the people that will be friends forever, those that make you feel like they would do anything for you and that you could repay the favour, the ones that love you for who you are and not use you for your good nature; are the ones you can always depend on, never forget them. For a friendship is essential and those special bonds can be hard to find but once you have one, it'll be there forever. I see this lyric as a metaphor for a cry for help, the comfort in asking another for help and how much can be achieved. A relationship is not only those between a parent and yourself, but a bond of Trust and love building a system of comfort and confidence.
Today I saw the complete generosity and how genuine people can be... It was so refreshing to see that there are still some beautiful and sentimental people within society. A couple invited my family and I into their home as if friends. Their home was welcoming, and full of art work of which they had created themselves. We spent the time talking - chatting about life, their family, their jobs. What makes ,e blog about this? Is there love story, one which i know ill never forget. Their love story brought them together twenty five years ago as lovers and it starts like this.
Angy and Mike met when they were 23, Mike had been working since he left school and built up a tank of savings to buy his most loved persesion, a canal boat. He lived around the canals and waters of his nearby town making it his life. Angy on the other hand was living in a beautiful house off of the welsh boarder. She had lived with her parents in Wales also and fled the nest to her own abode at the young age of 23. Angy had from a very young age looked after and breeded dogs, of all breeds and sizes and always wanting a career working with them. Living in her house she lived alone with three loving, affectionate canines; Tilly, Megan and Moggy. she would walk them up and down the canal, over the bridges for an hour and a half everyday. She would change her walking route day to day and take her beautiful dogs on an adventure.
Mike had become obsessed with the mechanics, upkeep and decoration of his canal boat and believed he had found his true love. Until one sunny day, on the turn of the Caaybrew stretch of the canal Mike had found himself in trouble, as he steered the boat it was taking on water, by the bucket load water gushed in to his beloved boat and he shouted as he tried to shovel it out. A passer by, a young woman walking her dogs, offered to help. Tying her dogs to the mooring station she climbed aboard. After many of attempts of trying to retrieve the boat for the dirty depths of the canal they agreed there was nothing more that they could do. Angy walked Mike into a nearby coffee house where they sat chatting and laughing opposite the sunken wreckage. After a couple of coffees, when Mike was back to being himself Angy offered him a place to stay, and He accepted. He called the canal maintenance for help with the clearing up if his truly loved boat and wreckage and curled into a warm cosy bed beside the fire in a beautiful welsh cottage. Angy insisted of him staying until he found his feet and worked out where his journey was going to take him. There was many Laughs and candlelight evenings and after weeks; Mike never left, he and Angy lived till now and will do for much longer In the beautiful welsh cottage on the boarder; and have done for 25 years.
Now this blog is not just fiction, this is notes taken from a beautiful conversation... Maybe I will extend this, proof it, make it more contextual... Maybe. Please excuse mistakes, grammar or spelling... Sometimes I rush in order to tell a story.
Much love x
So yesterday would have actually been my second holiday blog but... I was far too busy to be able to write yesterday.
My Family of which I was staying with last night had a huge party of which they cater themselves... For 400 people, it was hard work- being family I was grabbed into helping, which I didn't mind about, I like to be helpful but you know is a little less holiday-y. Anyhow's, so after de-coring loads of lettuces, chopping onions, peppers and what ever other vegetable was thrown at me it was finally party time. Filled myself of my homemade treasures and danced all night.
So i entered the kitchen to find a discussion underway about books, my element - a cup of tea and a book convo but soon was overridden by a coleslaw emergency. I continued the book discussion with myself at the same time as de-coring and chopping over twenty peppers. It was a great night, people loved it... A job well done I'd say, and my book Congo ended with a disagreement with myself and um... Myself. Furthermore...
There's a little green an parked up the road from me, it's left hand door is wide open- waving. There's is a huge tall tree, taller than all the rest completely stationary, no movement, not even the slightest sway. I sit, it is ten in the morning and I am munching on the same family sized packet of salted popcorn. Again, i am observing. I suppose if I were to sit else where there would be a lot more to observe or just different things to observe, the green van's door is now closed and driving towards me, without any induction the van turns right, leaving the road a long and lonely one.
There are now I group of children, young girls with their flowing hair following them as they speed on their scooters and bicycles. Friends together, how I always remember to be. The scoot to an abode, a bike standing on its own two wheels and balances, scooters thrown on to the grass, the girls running in for maybe for a drink of lemonade or a ham sandwich. I remember times where I was little, I think back to my childhood friends. I miss the times of no responsibility, and easy decisions.
Insert... A tad of fiction...
Draping my head over the railing in look down into the river. I look down to see the small ecosystems that had shown themselves to me. The light was just disappearing and I was on my own, I felt alone. I stared my my reflection, the ripples in the water distorting my facial features and elongating my nose, I blinked. The water was dark, orangy in places and open. The bridge stood over the deep part of the river where it was too dangerous to swim, the rocks and sandy sentiment almost invisible to see at the bottom from up here. I poked my leg out between the bars of the railings to just feel the imaginary atmospheric change within the dark air above the waters depth. I stare again down at my reflection, the nose I moan about i see rippling, my chin dark and hard. My eyes seem smaller in the water, almost not there- dull, deep and lonesome. My shadow is behind me now as the street lights become brighter as the sunlight disappears. A distortion in nature is loneliness, a distortion in sight is my distortion and in my reflection there is another.
I really don't understand why my mind actually talks such fiction, my imagination need a leash ha! Well I enjoy it, and someone reads it, even if it makes no sense or is not written very well, its enjoyable to make sort of contextual things up. That last fiction, if I were to follow on with- when she looked down again at her reflection she sees another reflection, one of a lost love or her love, a guy she loves muchly. Any how's, off to another day on holiday...
Much love x
Day one of: no phone signal, no WiFi, no blogging, no Facebook, no twitter, no instagram, no texting... Basically no communication with anyone but holiday people with accents. Day one is going well, fine nearly nothing to do. Got a tad bored. Walked along the river, dipped my toes in. I sit ready to blog with a family sized bag of salted popcorn.- I think -... What shall i blog about. Do I blog about the family? Do I blog about my surroundings? Do I blog about being unable to blog?
I ponder...
A nibble of salted popcorn or two, a change of song on my iPod. Maybe I should have brought my laptop with me, to complete and proof my novel for it to be ready for it to be finalised. I am excited, I want to touch the finished binded book, beaut.
I look out the window, the dull sky encases the people, their cars, the other things that make up people lives. I see a couple, standing beside their car, their luggage is neatly organised in the boot if the car as they had just pulled in and arrived. They talk, they communicate but I can't hear them. A short men with a walking stick looks at the woman, his wife. What are they saying? Am j just nosey to be asking myself this? What are the importance's in their lives besides each other?. The green grass scuttles along the road and up the street as they walk side by side to the small bridge. Do their minds work like mine? Do they prioritise?
I am on holiday being in a new place, living in a new way, eating new foods... But i have been on holiday from uni for ages! I feel all I have done is use social networking sites, writing and drawing. Now being my real holiday, I walk around, I eat, I read... Love this type of holiday.
My walk along the river was sweet, the dark heavy clouds above, threatening us with perspiration. The sound of young girls playing together on the field not too far away in the wind, I hear dogs barking and I hear sheep bleating. I dip my toes into the river, the dark brown murky water ripples. I look and see my foot beneath the water line, my skin dyed orange with the river sentiment in the water. Standing on the flood defends wall, replacing my shoe I stand. I look over the land, the fields, the grass. The neat blissful breeze brushing the leaves, swaying the trees. The roots, trees and leaves dancing in time. With the dusky air comes the strong scent of freshly cut grass, travelling my nasal senses- here came a sneeze.
My family sat beside me at the table playing some strategical card game as I blog, dependant on high numbers and luck within the deal... Them laughing which I hear over the familiar song playing on my iPod.
I suppose i should go do something, where shall I walk this time... Blog soon I'm sure, what else should I be doing... I'm sure this blog will be late in being published also.
Much love x
Well time to blog,
And the old fashioned way also, I have a tablet of which I usually do all my typing, my blogging but when writing or proofing my novel I tend to type when my laptop Dave is in his glory, like this morning. There is just something so rewarding in typing on noisy keys. Although It took two days to actually start thinking about blogging i have come about thinking about it this morning, what to blog about is another matter. I'll start of with, a cup of tea, a toy monkey and a sandwich' all will be revealed.
After the last book I read, I have spoken to everyone about it and recommended it to them to read themselves, also coming across people who also read The Fault in our Stars in a day, like myself. A few days ago I had to go to a funeral, of which I had to travel up up too an also see family member that I hadn’t seen since I was knee high. I felt strangely odd that all of these faces knew my name, and knew who I was but I was so unsure of who they were… I hated this, they are my family. It was such a shame to be meeting up with all of these people for the wrong reason, a sad reason. I feel we as a family need to something jolly to bring us all together, for catch ups and cuddles, and talking about who we are, drinking a cup of tea, making of a family airlume teapot. I want this. Family is a funny thing, we have lots of members of our family and we know nothing about them; well i do, i have such a huge family there a few i know very much about. I dont know where my great cousins went to school, or where my aunties kids go to school excreta. Families are great, put my family in a room together we’ll have bloody good time, some dancing, some cider and some crazy selfies I assure you. A toy monkey would also have a good time.
In othernews; I have recent brought a handful of new albums…and oh my god light up life. They are amazing, repeatedly playing them all day, everyday. I feel so strongly about the strength of music, the songs that make me smile, make you happy, the songs that make you want to just hug everybody, and the songs that make you stop, and think and observe. Music is beautiful, and writing your own is also as lovely. The piling up of CD cases is a beautiful thing also, the colours and the high piles complete any music lovers bedroom, along with a couple music merchandise. Again a change of scenery- a sandwich. I recently played mini golf with my family of which was so funny and obviously the boys in the fam know the terminology of golf, shouting 'four' or 'sand wedge' of which I repeatedly heard as 'sandwich'. Funny stuff...
Book report- I have started another novel about a woman whom is alone on valentines day, it is good so fast, just introducing her and her life and way of thinking. I will crack that open also with a cup of tea and a biscuit. Lovely jubbley.
So after accumulating a crazy 'I don't know what to write about in this blog' blog, I will go and find some brekkie.
Much love x
